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I'm Content.

Which is amazing for me, actually.

I have a full stomach, just the tinyest bit tired, have the prospect of coffee for later on this evening, and it's a balmy 86 outside. I've finished all but one routine for PHS and have to have it done by July 30th. I think I'm ok still. Work wasn't bad today, I love my manager, my partner in crime at cash, and ignored Olivia, which garunteed her to have a sucky ass time since she was stuck at kid check with nothing to do and got yelled at if we saw her on her phone. 

Things I still need to do: buy makeup for the girls at pitt, choreograph the final song (longest song), not kill anyone this remaining week at work, ... 

Thats all I can think of. And thats fine with me.

Rae said I wasn't my usual self this morning. Bubbly, I guess is what she was meaning. 

This was pretty much how I was all the time in HS. content. more or less. never really happy, never really sad most of the time, with exceptions, of course. Sometimes I like this feeling. Other time, it gets annoying.

When I have something I need to do but I'm feeling too lethargic to do anything about it, thats not good. but right now, I'm in a happy place. =)

lol, I like my calm dino!!! 

And Cartel. Love Cartel recently. Luckie St. esp. it makes me happy inside. =)

can't stop my mind.

Why tonight?

Why is tonight the night i cannot shut my brain off?

Is it because i slept for almost 6 hours this evening?

I want to sleep. I want to stay in my bed and not have to get up. I don't want to go to work.

I really don't like work right now. thank God i get another couple of days off soon. I mean, I have to work, technically, but not there. I hate it there right now.

Some of the high schoolers are great. Others... not so much.

I don't like our GM, I don't like the new manager... I don't like a couple of the new kids they're hiring... I'm I just that resistant to change or am I just still holding a grudge from them firing Russ and bringing in all these new kids? It sucks because I've been at that store longer than they but they have been with the company for so much longer.

The new manager? ya. I think she speaks more Spanish than English. They have let her open when she doesn't even know where everything is. Today, she asked me to set up a party. no problem, I've done it before. A LONG time ago, but I've done it before. I felt like i couldn't ask any questions because i guess I'm suppose to know everything! when I DID ask questions, they answered me like I was stupid and then I guess I messed something else up and maria was like, 'we need to redo it.'

I remember when Mr. Elliott told me to use 'we' instead of 'you'. I didn't have a problem with it. It felt a little weird, but I got use to it. Now I hear 'we' all the time... a lot of the time, however, it's used as another word for 'you'. I hate it when she will begin something like, 'we need to go clean such and such.' well, no, basically you're telling me to go and do it. Thats fine, just phrase it more as a 'hey, can you go do such and such.' thats fine. I'll do it. you don't have to treat me like a fucking kid. I'm 20. I'm Old. Granted, not as old as you, but old none-the-less. I don't care if you speak spanish. When in America, speak English. I'm happy for you that you know the language. When in public, speak English. I kinda bit mel's head off when she was speaking in spanish at WOF. I felt bad and explained myself that that's the only exposure I get to the language and it bugs the shit out of me that they do that, but i still think that she was offended. People don't realize that when they do that, they are what I think of when thinking about that culture. I mean, if your only experience with Russian people was the math class that was taught by a russian prof that you got a D or F in, you probably wouldn't like the Russians very much, no? Well, except for the fucking annoying familys that stand in the middle of the aisle or the stupid slow drivers, the mexican cooks and damn families that come in at 10:30 in the morning with $100 dollar bill to pay for $40 of stuff and expect change quickly, or the ones that breed like rabbits and smell, are the only exposure I get. and the ones that stare. but thats a different story.

And people wonder why I don't like them. I'm not racist, I have just had bad encounters with the ones that I have met! It's not like I'm just generalizing a entire country... I've met a lot of them! Those who have never met an American or have only met one really stupid or snobby person and STILL gerneralize us? they're annoying. damn kids. don't like you either!

I'm in a pissy mood still. It was a long and bad day at work.

and i have to do it again in less than 6 hours.

when will this touture end??

Font used:
Hilda Sonnenschein 


I like it.

Its been a LONG day.

My first day totally off for a long time.

It felt good. 

... Despite the fact that after my mom got home, my mood was fluctuating like crazy. damn mood swings.

I've been getting tired a lot more recently... i use to be fine with 4or 5 hours of sleep and going all day and doing it all over again the next day and then goign like that for at least a week. Now I'm getting tired... like today. I would have been perfectly fine coming home and going to bed at like, 8:30. I got enough sleep last night. Maybe I'm trying to make up for the days that I've been going on a small amount of sleep and then working all day? the pittsburg trips wear me out that badly? I didn't think so, but anything is possible, I guess. 

I hate not knowing plans. Nikki sprung the wedding on me and so I'm trying to rearrange everything for her. accomidating my life around her. shes the little drama queen in our household. when she's mad, everyone walks on eggshells around her. when i'm mad, they taunt me even more. When in a bad mood, they make me be social. When she is in a bad mood, we stay home. 

I should be use to this by now. oh well. 

I'm tried. I'm trying bed.

No, seriously. 

My grandmother was wanting me to spend the night last night to make sure i get up in time for work and because it was lightning out.

This morning (I stayed at home) I got up around 11 or so and by noon I want my coffee. So I go out, get my Buckys, fill my car up with gas, and go visit my friend Jamie. By around 2 or so, i realize I forgot my phone at home. I told Jamie I need to leave and by the time I get home and go and grab my phone upstairs, I see that I have 15 missed calls. 15 missed. I look and it is alternating betweek my grandmother, my mom, and my sisters numbers. then the home phone rings. i answer it to get yelled at by my mom, who was getting the low down from my grandmother. she was bringing up kelsey smith and another girl who i guess is missing, and shit like that. I'm sorry I forgot my phone, but my God, i didn't realize it was a national disaster when they can't talk to me to drill me about if the doors are locked or if the dog has food. I guess my grandmother was out SEARCHING for my car. she came here and peeked in the windows and then went to my work to see if my car was there. when it wasn't, she went in!!!! I'm so embarassed that she went in, because she probably created a scene. I don't want to go in now, esp if there were people there that will still be in when i get there. omg. this is horrible. Why can't i have a regular family. I was just at a friends seeing her kid! it's 4 months old and i haven't seen jamie herself in about a year or so!! 

I didn't realize that i was so irresponsible or stupid or horrible to forget my phone like that. as my grandmother KEEPS remingding me, "your mother has had a heart attack already so she doesn't need the excess strain and you know about that girl that went missing -" thats when i cut her off. I mean, seriously. my mom and grandmother who keep calling her 'that girl'... KNOW HER NAME IF YOU"RE GOING TO USE HER AS AN EXAMPLE!! HER FUCKING NAME IS KELSEY! that drives me up the fucking wall. 

I have survived down at school for how many months without having to report every single move that i do to everyone, why do i have to do it now? this makes me upset. I am serious. I wish I could move out. Then what would mom have to threaten me with? no gas card? what is she going to do? I can talk to my other grandma and maybe have her cosign a loan for me so i can still go to school. i may have to give my car up, but i can use some of that loan to get another. i'll get another job. who cares if i'll then be working 4 jobs... it won't be that many during the school year. student ambassadors won't be that bad, and I'll only need my car for the PHS job. I can also go and apply everywhere else to get another job or two. It would be hard, but i can do it.

what am i talking about? I don't know. too many angry thoughts and a keyboard are not good.


Why doesn't anyone in my entire FUCKING FAMILY think that I can keep a house JUST FINE when no 'adult' is home? 

I'm 20 fucking years old. I'm not 12 anymore. 

stop fucking asking me if all the doors are locked and how to take care of the dog. 

Yes, because I've never done it before. I've never looked after a dog, i've never cooked for myself, i've never closed a garagedoor.

then they get mad when i've been up since 5 am and am getting frustrated with them for asking me asinine questions in rapid fire succession.

'quit whining!' 'well, calling your mother after every move you make is better than your grandmother. Your mother can keep your grandmother at bay.' no you can't... shes freaking everywhere and YOU get on my case if I don't answer the phone when she calls!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate this. It's so fucking annoying.

Maybe I should get a paper journal...

I just think It'd be easier to write out my thoughts... express them without being tied to what HTML and the rich text box gives me. 

I want to scream. I want to make deep cutting remarks. I want to see and inflict pain, but I won't. Why? I don't know.
I'm upset and want her to know. It shouldn't be THAT big of a deal but it is. It truly is to me. I don't know why... Do I think that there is so much more potential than what she shows? 

As much as I hate to admit it, Neal is probably right. She'll fall for the wrong guy and end up pregnant and barefoot, with the hubby taking care of her. She doesn't know what she wants out of her life, other than for someone else to run it for her. 

She shouldn't go somewhere based on friends. Thats asking for trouble. I feel bad... PITY. Pity - who would have thought? This pity isn't because of the guilt trips she is known for, or the passive aggressiveness. It's because she has no FUCKING clue as to what she wants to do with her life. And she's running out of time to where she considers 'normal' age for a college student. God forbid she becomes a 'non-traditional student'!! 

Should we start a pot to bet if she finishes college at all? Maybe just do one of how many schools she'll end up at. 

I shouldn't care anymore. I don't know wny it's bothering me SO much. 

I'm tired. My brain won't shut off and I'm sick of it. I want to shut it up... I want to sleep like a normal person. I want to be able to go to bed around 11 and wake up around 8 or so. I usually make about 16-18 hour days... I need to cut this down. 

Silly how I'm talking like this. It sounds like I'm cutting calories... only it's hours in my day that I'm cutting back on, not intake... although I need to do that as well.

Sometimes I admire the willpowers those with eds have. In my mind, I know those are SO incredibly bad for you... but still.

This time, my icon rings true. I need a massage. The drink and man would just be perks.

Getting to be a habit...

And a bad one at that. this not tired/no sleeping shit has got to go. Since I'm cursed to hear about it at work, can I get a sleeping pill or SOMETHING? All I ever hear about is how tired someone is. How they only got about 5 hours of sleep and how it sucks coming in at 5. pm. I want to slap them. try getting about 3 hours (if that) and coming in at 8 and then repeating it daily? ok, so maybe not daily, but more than thee who is complaining. There is a reason the managers don't call you in to work 10 1/2 hour shifts... YOU WHINE TOO MUCH!! Seriously. On Thurs, I went in at noonish and got off at close... which after closing, it was 10:30. I had bitches complaining to me about how they were so tired at 8 when they came in at 4. I'm going, "umm... I've already worked for 8 hours, along with about 5 hours of sleep. And Lord knows when i'll go to bed tonite. I'm thinking probably 3 or 4. Like usual. They look at me and the thought process in their head must go something like, "But my life is worse. Yes, it is. I have to work tonight for 6 hours... my life sucks more, I must be more tired."

At least thats how it seems.

I know I seem to whine a lot... mainly it's all kept in my head. Well, I think it is, at least. Of course, the hypocondriac also thinks they have actual diseases, too.

Texting... I think I have about 13 to get me through till Sat. I think. I told my mom she should have gotten unlimited!! lol.

I'm bored. I think I have reached the end of the internet... I've been on too much lately...

Mom's Birthday

She is celebrating the 29th anniversary of her 21st birthday. happy birthday, Mom!

On a darker side of news, my GM from work plus all of the mexicans got fired on Wednesday. That really sucks because now WE all have to work even harder and scramble to cover shifts for where they aren't. There were five of them... at least two of them always worked really hard and a third was just a kid of 16. It kinda sucks. the last two... well... Antonio could be alright, but Rosa? I always did kinda want her gone. She's nice... just slightly worthless as an employee there. Can't really speak English and has a fondness for pledge/bleach. The fact, however, that Russ was fired really sucks. I liked working with him and I'll miss him. Some people didn't really like him... said he really didn't work and some were actually HAPPY that he's gone. It just makes me sad. Esp now that we're stuck with the new GM.

In other, more WORLDY, news - Kelsey Smith. Horrible HORRIBLE thing that happened to her. I'm just so glad that they caught the guy. The talking heads say that she was a great girl and nice to everyone... however, isn't that how everyone describes a person after they die? It's not wise to speak ill of the dead. A girl at work... she seemed exceptionally upset about it... she went out looking for her.
If, infact, thats really what she did. Now I feel bad for writing that. I'm such a horrible person. I say things before i think sometimes. Oh well... everyone does that, right? Anyway... what was I hitting at? Oh yeah... how once you die, everyone becomes your best friend. They will sit around and remember times they saw you or times they had you in class and not remember the real you, but they think they do and spout it off to anyone who will listen. Then they want sympathy. 

I know, I know. such optimisim, right? I'm really a pessimist at heart... right? Who knows anymore. You can think you're one person and be stereotyped into that persona for so long YOU may not even know who you are anymore at one point in time. I know I don't. I wrote an entry in my DJ about that... how I can seem so two-faced to myself. I hate it. I'm such a hyprocrite sometimes. 

Only a few people know me. It's sad to say that I don't think that I can trust everyone I thought I could.

Trust Issues. WTF? Nothing has ever happened to me to not trust people, so why do I have these? Maybe I'm conditioned by my 'friends'. the ones that have 'holier than thou' attitudes and act all Saint Thereasa and then admit in the next breath that, 'yeah, they really were talking about me behind me back and making fun of me.' but I'm such a horrible person because I do that as well. Excuse me? I do? aww, damn, why isn't anyone cueing me in on this? I tell you the fucking truth, even if you don't want to hear it. If thats why you still aren't talking to me, then so be it. My mom and sister always did tell me you weren't the greatest of friends. I defended you to them... you aren't as flaky as you seem, you may have some bad points, but your wonderful moments pay off on it. Yes, you ditch me for other friends and then want me to drop everything when you are around and want to hang out because nobody else is there, but... well, actually thats the worst and i'm putting no redeeming point for this one. Thanks... maybe I DO find relationships that are bad for me.

I'll try sleeping now... thanks for the listening page. sometimes plain white is comfoting just because I know I can fill it up with words and ink. 

Ink. permanant. I never knew why I always loved pens so much... maybe I'm subconsciencely trying to get some part of me... some knowledge to live on for a while so that someone won't make all of the mistakes that I have. hindsight is 20/20. 

Good luck to you all.

4 am

Go figure. It's 4 in the morning, i have to work at 11, and I cannot get to sleep. Thats my life for ya. I had a couple hour nap and i think thats what set me back. Seriously. if I have naps and I'm not sick or anything, that sets me even further back on my sleeping schedule and therefore I am unable to sleep at normal times. The rest of the time? When I don't sleep during the day? ya... no explanation... no seriously. I don't have one. 

I should really lay down and see if I can fall back asleep.

Oh yeah - Keep a watch for the icons... I don't know what it may be and it will probably not match the mood i'm in... but they should be cute anyway.